Getting Past a Separation From Spouse - Saving Your Marriage
Separation usually occurs at the tail end of a long string of relationship problems. Sometimes these problems are more obvious, such as constant fighting and arguing, and other times they're more underlying, as long-hidden or buried emotions finally rise to the surface.
No matter how it happens, separating from your husband or wife can be a devastating loss. Mentally and emotionally you might already be drained from dealing with your marriage problems, but now things are suddenly REAL.
The physical act of moving out (or of your partner moving out) really solidifies the severity of whatever marital issues you're currently dealing with. And for the first time since the fighting or arguing began, each person now faces the possibility of being utterly and completely alone.
And while separation is usually the precursor to divorce, there is some good news. Couples do get back together after separating. Being apart gives each partner time to think, time to reconsider, and most important of all, time to cool off.
If you're already separated or about to go through the process, you'll first need to decide how you still feel toward your spouse. Even if you're angry, even if you're bitter, and even if you have tons of unresolved issues you feel are important? If you still love your husband or wife, you'll want to view the separation as a temporary thing.
First check these common reasons couples separate, and see which ones apply to you.
Getting back together with your spouse becomes your main goal, here. But at the same time, you need to recognize that this isn't going to happen overnight. Before he or she will want you back, they'll first need to believe that some important changes have been made.
In your spouses' mind, the issues that caused the separation need to have been at least partially dealt with before your partner will consider the possibility of physically coming (or taking you) back.
Getting Your Ex to Miss you - First Steps in Reversing a Separation
When separation happens, it's easy to panic. You'll think that your partner is slipping away minute by minute, when that's simply not the case. This might cause you to make some very bad decisions, such as constantly contact your spouse and even plead for the separation to end. These things will only put the two of you further apart, and you need to avoid this type of knee-jerk reaction, no matter how strong the urge is to pick up that phone.
No, your first moves after being separated are easy: you need to leave your lover alone. By not hounding or harassing them, you're doing the most important thing you can do : giving them the chance to MISS you.
Remember, a separation is a two-way street. Just as you're left alone in his scenario, so is your husband or wife. If you moved out, they're sitting there in the marital house all alone, or with only the children for company. Without you there the house will feel empty, and every time they look around they'll be reminded of your absense.
And if you spouse moved out? He or she is sitting alone in a strange new place, staring at the strange new walls. At night they're alone, looking up at the ceiling, wondering if moving out was the right thing. When their phone doesn't ring and they don't hear from you at all? This is when they'll miss you. And this sets a much better table for possible reconciliation than if you were constatly trying to keep in touch.
You see, separating always sounds good in theory. And at the time you separated from each other, each of you was most likely angry at the other. But now that you're apart, and there's no one to direct anger or conflict to? Things settle down. And this is where the both parties in the marriage begin doing some hard thinking and soul-searching, alone and unhindered, and that's when the process of coming up with actual solutions can begin.
Now obviously if you share children or household responsibilities, you'll still need to talk to your ex. But when doing so, remember to remain neutral and unmoved. Make as little small talk as possible, and get off them phone with your spouse as quickly as you can. Your goal is to make them lonely... to make them miss you, and this can't happen if you're still giving them the comfort of having you around - even with something as small as hearing your voice on the phone.
Recognizing and Fixing The Causes of Your Separation
While alone, your next step is to figure out why your marriage isn't working. This will require some objectivity; you'll need to put aside whatever anger or resentment you still feel toward your spouse and take a hard, honest, outside look at your relationship in general.
Are you spending enough time together? Are you fighting over small and insignificant things? Have you done anything romantic or sweet for your partner lately, or has it been strictly work, chores, and sleep?
Is your husband or wife upset over something in particular? Try to put yourself in their shoes and really investigate why they're upset. Try to figure out why things have gotten so bad that you're no longer living together, and whether or not there's something you can do on your end to improve that particular situation.
And no, not everything is your fault. There will always be things your partner can improve upon, to make your marriage better. But right now, while separated, you should only be focusing on what YOU can change. All other factors don't matter. Placing blame is useless. Pointing fingers is counterproductive to the end goal, and will hurt your chances of getting back together with your husband or wife.
Understanding why you're separated is a crucial part of fixing your relationship and saving your marriage. Knowing what's wrong will enable you to fix it, but not until much later on when you've reconnected and met back up again. This will happen after you've withdrawn and detached enough to get your partner missing you, and it will also happen after you've demonstrated your own independence. But going into that meeting, you'll want to have some idea of the changes you think are necessary to fixing things between you.
Dealing With Children During a Separation
If you and your spouse have children, they're going to take your separation extremely hard. Even if your children don't outwardly show it, inwardly the adjustment of having their parents split up into two separate entites is quite a shock. It's also something that must be put over your own needs and wants.
No matter how amiciable or nasty your separation happens to be going, you both need to be strong for your children.
Maintaining as much normalcy as possible is a key part of keeping the children well-adjusted to an already awkward situation.
This means you should be fighting, arguing, or even talking about the split in front of your kids. By staying cool and not losing your head, you're also showing your partner that you can be calm and reasonable, even in the face of something as bad as a potential divorce.
Another important thing to remember: don't bash your spouse when in front of your kids. Resist the urge to defend yourself, even if your spouse seems to be badmouthing you.
No matter what happens, don't start explaining 'your side' of things in an effort to make your children somehow realize who's wrong or right. They shouldn't ever have to pick between parents, or judge who's wrong or right.
Kids shouldn't be dragged into ANYTHING to do with divorce or separation, and the less you expose them to the better off they'll be. Never use your children as a weapon to get back at your spouse, or to lure your spouse into visiting you while separated.
Fixing Your Separation - Putting Your Marriage Back Together
Reversing a separation is a lot harder than reversing your standard breakup. It's more than just a mental or emotional reconciliation - getting back together often involves the physical act of moving back in with your spouse, breaking a lease, or a number of other logistical issues.
This means that you've got to really commit to making things work. Your partner needs to believe that positive changes aren't just likely - they're actually assured. For this reason you can't be wishy-washy about coming back to the marriage. Your husband or wife doesn't want to hear "maybe" or "we'll try". They want to hear that you not only love them but you value the marriage, and that you're even excited about working on it together rather than just tossing it away.
When it comes to reversing a bad relationship situation, you need to be proactive. You need to have all the knowledge necessary to make good decisions, rather than just randomly meet up with your ex-lover and hope you somehow say or do all the right things.
Breakup Reversed is an all-inclusive, step by step plan for fixing ANY broken relationship or marriage in trouble.
No matter how long you've been separated or how little contact you might currently have with your separated husband or wife, this instantly-downloable guidebook is geared toward one simple thing: making your ex see you differently.
Using simple emotional tactics and techniques you'll learn exactly why your partner has been unresponsive so far, and what simple adjustments you can make that will turn your whole marriage or relationship situation around.
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