Getting Over Divorce or Separation - Moving On Alone

Of all the things you'll go through in life, divorce ranks high up on the list of as are one of the hardest. Separating from your spouse will impact you mentally as well as emotionally, and very often can affect your physical living conditions as well.

Divorce
Divorce is the single biggest adjustment you might make

Divorcing with children is another matter, as you'll now have to split time between working and taking care of and/or seeing your kids. Without two parents in the household the scheduling of childcare can be an absolute nightmare, depending upon your job, your time off, and whether or not you work on the weekends.

Finally, a divorce can be even worse. Two incomes is now turned into one, or in some cases, no income at all. Child support, health care... all of these things are factors when it comes to splitting with your husband or wife.

As these burdens pile up, it can be difficult to focus on something you may already have lost site of: YOURSELF.

Getting over a divorce requires many things, but the one often overlooked is your own emotional state and social life. As you struggle to make adjustments to all these other aspects of your daily life, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that you, yourself, need to be living a happy and content existence even beyond the realm of your divorce.

How to Get Over Your Ex: Letting Go To Move Forward

Depending upon how your divorce went down, you may find it hard or easy to let go of your partner. Physically they may be gone, but emotionally you might not be over the idea of still being with this person. Attachments are common way beyond the signing of your divorce papers, so don't worry. The important thing is moving on in a healthy way, and letting go of things at a speed that will help you heal and move on.

If your marriage ended suddenly and without warning, you may be looking to salvage the relationhip. Depending upon how final your separation is right now, you might want to check out these ways you can still save your marriage.

But if getting back together is no longer an option? Your next step is to get over your ex and on with your own life. This can be hard, because your new life will feel very strange and unfamiliar to you. Suddenly you'll have a lot time alone, and might not know what to do with yourself.

One healthy way to start over after a divorce is to seek the help of friends and family. Just because things didn't work out with your husband or wife doesn't mean you should sit home alone, sulking or mourning the end of the relationship.

Getting out and doing things - no matter what these things are - is one of the best ways to get over someone you just lost. So see friends, visit family, pick up some old hobbies... do whatever you need to do in order to get yourself out of the house and on with living an outside life.

Another important part of letting go is to get rid of any reminders of your past relationship. This doesn't mean cutting up or burning your ex's photos - but it does mean boxing them up for now, and putting them somewhere you're not going to see them. When trying to get over a failed marriage, even small visual reminders can set you thinking about your ex husband or wife again. You'll be emotionally healthier when these things are tucked away, out of sight and out of mind.

Understanding and Accepting That Your Relationship Is Over

One of the hardest things to get past is the finality of a breakup or divorce. For many people, clinging to hope - even if it's nothing but false hope - is the one thing keeping them going through the dissolution of a relationship.

Unfortunately however, it's also the one thing holding them back from leading a normal life.

Going Through Divorce
Acceptance: The first step to moving on

When you're still hoping for some sort of reconcilication, you tend to live in the past. The present means little to you, and the future is so blurry and uncertain that you never focus any of your attentions where they need to be focused: forward.

Eventually though, a moment will come when you realize that your husband or wife is gone. There's a moment you'll realize this person is not coming back, and that your new life needs to include everyone else but them.

The sooner you can arrive at this moment, the faster you can get on with your life. Until then, your life will suffer from being slow and weighed down by the burdens of the past. You'll be a bad friend, a bad relative, a bad co-worker... possibly even a bad parent. This doesn't mean you're a bad person; it simply means you lack the motivation to live your life to the fullest potential.

Try to realize that while your relationship or marriage may have been important, it was still only one aspect of your life. Everything else shouldn't come to a grinding halt simply because your marriage failed, or you became separated from your husband or wife.

Especially in the case where you have children, you need to focus on the here and now. This means immersing yourself in their needs, to the point where they're so happily busy they get distracted from the divorce and you're so busy you don't even stop to think about what your ex may be doing. Children are a great way of getting past any sticking point, even if you're harboring anger or resentment toward your partner for the way the relationship may have ended.

Thinking Solo - Fulfilling Your Own Needs

It's all too easy to get unintentionally focused on what your ex husband or wife may be doing after the end of your relationship. And if your ex is dating someone else? It can be even harder to find the motivation to move forward with a life of your own.

That's why it's critical that you start thinking of yourself as a single person, with a single person's wants and needs. When your marriage ends in divorce you need to break that 'couple' mindset and think back to a time when you were single, solo, and looking out for no one else but yourself.

Save Marriage Help

Does this mean you should get right back on the horse and start dating again? Not necessarily. If you're comfortable with going out and seeing other people, sure, by all means do it. Jumping right back in the dating pool is a healthy and cathartic way of getting past a breakup, and it's an awesome method for getting your mind off the issues of the past.

But even if you think you're not yet ready? Get out. Meet new people. See who else is around you, and make those people a part of your life again. Chances are you lost contact with a good number of people during your marriage, as you and your husband/wife focused on building a home and family. But now that you're single again? There's no reason not to reach out and re-establish a connection again, as this will help you remember how to live a fulfilling and happy single life.

And take a look around: there are LOTS of divorced people in this world. Chances are you already know some, and it will be easy to relate to them. They don't have to be good friends and you don't have to comiserate over the end of your respective marriages, but knowing that these people are out there living their lives can help you get past the idea of being hopelessly alone and more used to the concept of something much more important - moving on.

Life Beyond Divorce - Dating and Your Next Relationship

When the time comes and you begin dating again after a divorce, things may seem strange and foreign to you. This is because you became accustomed to your one partner for such a long period of time, but it's also because you became used to the idea of never having to date again at all.

Yet here you are... single and alone, with a thousand possibilities and a thousand different directions you can go. Whereas once your life was pretty straightforward and set on one particular path, now it's filled with all kinds of unknown variables and new possibilities. And for someone who hasn't been single in years or even decades? This can be extremely overwhelming.

The important thing to remember right now is to take things slow. You just got out of a very serious relationship, and there's no reason to jump right back into one.

This might be harder than it seems, however. The tendency here will be to latch on to the next person who shows you interest or affection, in an attempt to recapture some of the stability and comfort derived from having a married partner. You need to remember that dating isn't always like that: in the beginning it should be fun, casual, and easy. It shouldn't be weighed down by heavy commitment, and you shouldn't take every little thing that happens as a sign of something more serious.

If your goal is to evolve your dating life into a serious relationship that's totally fine, but keep in mind this isn't going to happen overnight. Nor is it likely to happen with the first person you meet, or even the second. You may have to date a few people before you find someone you feel comfortable and secure with again, so take things at your own pace and don't jump into anything until you feel ready. More importantly? Don't move forward until you feel comfortable that you've picked the right person.



Leave a Comment

Your Name:
Website (optional):

Comment:

2 Comments

kids come first    said on 09-13-2011

If you have kids, concentrate on them first. This distracts you from harping on the actual divorce, and keeps you focused on more positive pursuits.

Children should always come before yourself or an ex.

TimeSchmime    said on 09-13-2011

Don't listen to anyone telling you to 'take some time to yourself' after getting divorced. If you want to date other people, DO IT! It's the best way to get over your ex husband (or ex wife).



love advice

love advice

love advice

love advice