Regaining Trust After Cheating - Saying Your Sorry After an Affair
No relationship is perfect. People make mistakes all the time, and we all know someone who's been unfaithful to a lover, partner, or even a spouse during their long-term relationship.
And if that person was you? Your boyfriend or girlfriend probably broke up with you for cheating, telling you never to call or contact them again. Your husband or wife may be threatening divorce, or maybe they already started the ball rolling immediately after finding out you had an affair.
So what should you do? Do you walk away and give up, thinking that because you cheated the relationship is totally beyond repair? Or are there actually ways of getting your ex lover back again, even after you've cheated or been unfaithful to them?
Truth be told, cheating isn't as 'unforgiveable' as sin as you might originally think. People like to talk tough about cheating; they say they'd never tolerate an affair, and would immediately break up with their partner - for good - upon finding out they were unfaithful.
But in reality? These same people have a tough time letting go, especially since cheating can hit you so hard, so fast, and leave you with so many mixed emotions toward your partner or spouse.
More people get back together after an affair than you might think. Whether one partner cheated or both people were seeing someone else, there are trust-building techniques along the path to forgiveness, even after cheating, and even when it seems like saving the relationship is no longer possible.
The steps you need to take after an affair are slightly different than the ones you'd use to repair any broken romance or marriage. Learning them is crucial, if you want to put things right again between the two of you.
Cheating Breakup vs. Regular Breaking Up: Two Different Things
The first thing to realize about being unfaithful is the secrecy involved. Whether you had a one-night stand or had a long-standing ongoing affair, your partner never knew about it until you told them or got caught. When this happened, they were probably shocked, surprised, and totally overwhelmed. Most people are usually blindsided by the sudden knowledge of an affair.
This means something simple but very important: your partner wasn't prepared to let go of you yet. The cheating was sprung upon them very suddenly, probably at a time when they still loved you and wanted the relationship to continue.
So if your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife broke up with you? They felt forced or compelled to do so. They ended the relationship in anger, and weren't thinking about how much they'd still need or miss your company later on.
A traditional breakup usually comes at the tail end of a relationship that's already gone bad. Things are already in a downward spiral; problems have mounted up to the point where one or both of you want to go your separate ways.
A cheating breakup however, happens without warning. It happens at a time when one or both of you are still in love with each other. This means it's easier to get back together than after a normal breakup. Your partner may even want to keep the relationship going, just as you do, but feels almost obligated to shove you away and break up with you once they find out you've been unfaithful.
Getting Out Your Lover's Anger Over The Fact That You Cheated
Saying your sorry for cheating on your partner isn't easy. They're not likely to believe you, and they're certainly not likely to trust you anytime soon. You've betrayed them, you've hurt them, and you've made them as miserable as they've ever been. In most cases, "sorry" is the last thing they want to hear from you, at least right now.
No, the first thing that needs to happen is anger. Upon finding out you've cheated, your boyfriend or girlfriend will need to vent this anger at the one person responsible for their suffering: YOU.
This means you'll have to sit there and take it. Your partner will yell, scream, rage, and try to make you feel as guilty as possible for what happened. They'll tell you what a terrible person you are, and they'll blame you for the demise of the relationship. Crying, sobbing, guilt... these are all things they want you to see and experience, and the best way to do this is by letting it all happen without saying a word to them.
Trying to comfort your partner here is a terrible move. Trying to downplay the affair, or belittle it, is an even worse one. Your lover doesn't want to hear excuses or reasons for you cheating on them. They don't want your arm around them, to make them 'feel better'.
No, right now your best bet is to sit there silently and allow them to be angry. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife has every right to be pissed at what happened, and the most constructive thing you can do is not try to stand in the way of that anger.
Apologizing For Cheating When You Want to Save Your Relationship
There will come a point where the anger is over and the resentment begins. This is where you'll want to leave; walking away gives your lover time to cool off, be alone, and actually start to think things through. But before you go? You'll need to make one very sold, very simple, and very genuine apology for what happened.
It's crucial that you apologize correctly here, or you could actually make things worse. Remember, your partner doesn't want excuses or blame. They don't want to be coddled or made to 'feel better'. So the more basic you make the apology? The better it will go over, and the less chance it will be totally rejected.
What you want to say is simple: you're sorry for cheating. Let your lover know you screwed up, you're extremely sorry, and that you don't blame them one bit for being angry or upset.
"Listen, I'm very sorry. What I did was awful, and you have every right to feel like you do. I can't take it back, but I want you to know this was entirely my fault and I'm so sorry for screwing up our relationship."
Examine these apology carefully, because a lot gets said with very little words. First, you're genuinely sorry. You're accepting blame. You're fully agreeing with their right to be angry, and this makes them feel slightly more justified and vindicated in their resentment toward you.
Finally, you're acknowledging the damage done to your relationship, or even the fact that your partner ended it. This is important, because now you're going to walk away. The last thing you want your lover to remember is that YOU think the romance is OVER. Whether they broke up with you outright or just yelled and screamed a whole lot of harsh language, you're leaving them with the impression that you're accepting the end of the relationship.
Getting Your Lover or Spouse To Miss and Need You Again
In walking away without looking back, you're creating a giant and unexpected hole in your partner's life. One minute you were a loving boyfriend or girlfriend, and the next minute you were a source of pain and betrayal. A day or two later, you were totally gone.
This is something you can use to your advantage in trying to repair a rift caused by cheating. Just as your lover wasn't expecting to lose you, they're certainly weren't prepared for how much they'd still miss and need you after they pushed you away.
One common misconception is that you can more easily cut a lover loose once they cheat on you. Truth be told, that's not always the case. Emotional bonds aren't instantly and irrevocably destroyed by an affair; they take time to fade away, and your partner will still miss the companionship and affection received by you, especially if they weren't prepared to lose you all at once.
For this exact reason, you must totally disappear once you've finished apologizing. You have to absolutely resist the urge to apologize again, send flowers, write your feelings into a note or card. If you want to ever date this person again you'll need absolute silence and a total lack of contact on your part, which eventually puts them in a position where they actually think they've pushed you so hard they might lose you permanently.
To get a lover back after cheating on them, you need to make them come to you. This sounds like the exact opposite of what should happen... you'd imagine you would have to come crawling back to them, begging forgiveness. Yet this approach will only lead to more anger and resentment; the more you talk about what you did and keep apologizing for it? The more your ex realizes you still want and need them, and the more they have you wrapped around their little finger.
This will lead to more punishment. The longer you stick around, the longer you'll be mentally and emotionally punished for being unfaithful. And the more you beg for forgiveness? The longer your partner will hold out on actually forgiving you. You're putting your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife right in the driver's seat... you're giving them a complete license to continue to be pissed rather than be worried about actually losing you for good.
Forgiveness For Cheating - How to Make Your Partner Trust You Again
Getting past an affair requires that your partner eventually forgive you for what happened. They won't do this until they're 100% sure you'll never cheat again, which needs to be the FIRST thing you say to them the next time they contact you or try to get back in touch.
In short, your lover wants to believe that YOU know what a tremendous mistake the cheating was. It's not enough that they know it themselves, they actually need you to acknowledge how regretful you were for the entire affair.
You shouldn't be sorry for getting caught... you should be sorry you cheated to begin with. You should feel terrible about it, and make sure your partner knows how much of a mistake it was. Also let them know something else important: it sucked. If you can get them to believe this it will make them feel marginally better; as a person starts to consider taking you back, they'll naturally want to believe you'd choose them over the person you cheated on them with, and that you would always have a better time with them as well.
This exactly where clean slate techniques come into play. Whether you're getting back together or just started talking again, you'll want to learn how to get your ex to forgive, forget, and actually start trusting you again as a person and a partner.
Trust. Forgiveness. Rebuilding your relationship from scratch. These are vital aspects of putting both of you past the infidelity and looking forward to the future of staying together.
The Magic of Making Up is an all-in-one system designed to fix even the most complicated relationship problems and put your romance back on track.
Moreover it has special chapters dedicated to cheating and unfaithfulness, and can show you exactly what to do when you're sorry for cheating and want your partner to forgive what you did.
Be sure to check out this free video on what to do first, and learn which opening moves are most successful in making your ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife want you back again - even if you've been caught being unfaithful to them.
And in the end, remember: getting back together takes time. Forgiveness? That takes even more time, so don't rush it.
By being patient with your partner and understanding their feelings, you can put yourself in their shoes and really get an idea of what they're going through after the relationship is torn apart by infidelity.